


in this lifetime, i lose you

by flosrobur



Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/F, Grieving, Post-Canon, damie - Freeform, this is me coping with ep9
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:41:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27521695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flosrobur/pseuds/flosrobur
Summary: Grief is a fickle thing. Like all other things in the world, Jamie thinks, grief is exhaustive.or how I think Jamie mourned after losing Dani
Relationships: Dani Clayton/Jamie
Comments: 5
Kudos: 33





	in this lifetime, i lose you

**Author's Note:**

> i still have not moved on from ep 9. sorry in advance for any grammatical or typographical errors.

Grief is a fickle thing. Like all other things in the world, Jamie thinks, grief is exhaustive. 

It is a blunt knife that stabs her every day when she wakes up. When she cuddles up to the other side of the bed, only to find it cold and unwanting. Even the innocent kettle in ~~their~~ _her_ kitchen triggers the feeling of bitterness, and something that is more than pain bubbles inside of her chest. Her fingertips numb at the sight of the single cup on the countertop, and she is feeling nothing and everything at the same time. Suddenly, her cheeks are warm and she is holding back a sob — but she fails to hide the tears. She always does. 

Some days though, it is just a looming feeling that follows her everywhere. Like a monster ready to pounce at any moment. Her own personal version of the beast in the jungle. She keeps her guard up, but she finds she is never ready for when it attacks. Like how she was never ready for her love to be taken away. Death is a thief, and grief is its lover. Jamie and Dani are only two of the many unfortunate people to meet with their path. 

What Jamie detests about grieving is the fact that it is not a linear process nor is it a cycle. It is not like her garden, growing and then dying and then growing again. No, of course not. Grief makes you feel like sometimes it is gone and it comes back when you least expect it to. One moment she is happily tending to her roses, and in another she remembers a memory of conversation with an au pair about a young boy from a manor far away. 

It seems as though their years at the manor was a lifetime away, but only yesterday when Jamie woke up alone — with nothing but a folded letter dawned with the all-too-familiar script of her lover — greeting her for a new day. The contents of the letter, she knows by heart. When she closes her eyes, she can still vividly remember the hope she felt in her chest when she first opened the small piece of paper, and then the pain that came after when she finished reading it. 

Shaking. Jamie is shaking. It is another evening spent alone in ~~their~~ _her_ small flat and the water from the tap is running. The reflection in the sink is of her, always only of her. She hopes for another face to resurface, but every single day she is met with disappointment. Every night, she leaves the bedroom door slightly ajar. Hope is still alive within her heart, even with the grief enveloping it, it is there. Hope never gets swallowed whole.

She remembers the promise she once told Dani when she was still with her, and she holds on to it. She will allow herself to feel the grief, she will allow herself to cry, and to hope. If it is for Dani, it is all worth-it. 

"I'm still going to feel it for the both of us, poppins," the gardener whispers to the still room. And feel it she does, as she falls asleep in a cold bed once more.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! yell w me on [ twt. ](https://twitter.com/blyruinedme)


End file.
